ah yes, the dread

For the last few days, I have had a feeling of increasing dread. I do get this from time to time. It usually comes from somewhere, or I can at least in retrospect attribute it to something - tag it with a reason and release it. My inadvertent homing pigeon metaphor does of course imply that the dread will almost always come home to roost again.
I have a new job; new as of the start of January. It's part-time so I feel a little like a temp - the unexpected feature on the landscape of the office. I also don't have much of an idea of what I'm doing yet, so I feel on guard and insecure. My old work had its very annoying days, but I did on the whole like and get on well with my colleagues; I could be myself, and usually know what to do if the unexpected cropped up. Here there are higher expectations, which are as yet oblique.
I have also felt pretty lonely. M was away over the weekend. I didn't like the dawning realisation that I need him. I know that sounds strange - I have kept myself on safe ground with internal assurances of independence.
It's like without M I am without a voice. How I used to feel before him: frustrated, ghostly, inert, inconsequential. I know this sounds like it's all about me - I guess in the foggy dread, that's all you can see immediately. I hope, but I can never know for sure, that I am all this to him.
My friends have mostly gone or changed - I miss them. I miss playing in our band too, I miss writing songs, I miss feeling capable. I know they miss me.
It's like we're all out in our life-boats, in the fog, headed to more fog.